The Psychology of Friendship and
Success
Once you begin to pursue your deepest and most sincere dreams,
goals and aspirations; you will notice that many of your old friendships will
begin to deteriorate, dissolve and fade from your life. In some cases, you will
play phone tag, but somehow never find the time to catch up with each other,
whereas in the past the two of you were inseparable. With some of your friends,
the relationship will become argumentative and combative for no reason. You and
your friend will find yourselves arguing over the dumbest things; topics that
you both so easily agreed upon and enjoyed in the past. At some point, you will
begin to wonder whether or not you ever had anything in common. Both of you
will begin to wonder how the friendship evolved in the first place.
This is normal. When you are going through a psychological
and cognitive growth spurt, the biological structure of your brain literally
changes! Each time you learn something new the neurons in your brain grow a
dendrite. A neuron is similar to a tree and the branches are similar to a
dendrite. So imagine the trees in your brain growing new branches each time you
learn a new concept or experience new events. Each time you learn something new
you change the very chemical nature and biological structure of who you are as
a person.
For example, let’s say you never liked caviar, deep sea
diving or bungee jumping, simply because you were never exposed it. However
after living in another state on a college campus after meeting new friends,
you find that you enjoy these activities very much. Your best friend from your
home town married the boy next door, has two children and works part-time as a
waitress. I am not saying that a true friendship will not survive these
changes, but in most cases there will be a temporary separation.
Psychologically, you and your best friend back home will be dendrites apart due
to different life experiences and priorities.
This is typically the stage when
your old friends will accuse you of bragging about your academic success or say
that—you have forgotten where you come from; or that you think that you are
“too good” for them. Some of your family members and friends will tell
you that you are a “sell-out” and that you are disconnected from your family
traditions and cultural roots.
One
of the main reasons that most people do not achieve their ultimate goals and
dreams in life is because they are emotionally and psychologically unequipped
to handle the loneliness and isolation that is required to evolve to the next
level of success.
When friends call and beg you to go out to the movies, get a
bite to eat, or hang out at your favorite club you will be forced to decide
whether or not spending time with them is the best use of your time,
given that you have 2 exams and a research paper due within a week. Most of us
will make the wrong decision many times before we do what is ultimately best to
achieve our goals.
I
am going to tell you a secret. When you are in between stages of evolving to
your next level of success, this is when you are most likely to be isolated by
family and friends. You are psychologically in a cocoon. Listen carefully so
that you will understand what is happening to you. There are many habits from
your old lifestyle that you must shed before you can move to the next level.
For example, if you frequently partied late into the wee hours of the morning,
drank too much alcohol, or were involved with too many sexual partners these
habits may prevent you from being able to focus on your academic or career
goals with the degree of intensity that is required to be successful.
Like
most people, you will struggle initially with the ‘old you’ and the ‘new you’
that is trying to emerge. Instead of declining your friend’s invitations to go
and hang out, you will say yes, and wake up the next morning thinking to
yourself, “Why the hell did I go out last night?” Now the people who are
already where you want to be will not find it appealing to befriend you just
yet. These people are serious. They are much further along on their journey to
success. They are not interested in people or activities that defer them from
accomplishing their goals.
When
you become one of them psychologically, you will find the door of new
friendships opening to welcome you in. It’s not so much that these people are
your friends, per say; it’s just that you share the same psyche of interests
and experiences and you will be able to relate and discuss issues of importance
to each other.
These
are some points to ponder when you are trying to maintain friendships on the
way to achieving your dreams:
1. True
friendships never die, they may appear to fade during periods of significant
change—but remember this is a necessary transitional stage in order to give you
the space that you need to grow. A true friendship will stand the test of time
while you are adjusting to your new role in life. Don’t let any one’s
perception of who you should be and how you should act prevent you from making
the necessary changes to make your dreams come true.
2. When
you reconnect with your old friends, it will never be the same. The friendship
will retain the most important roots that will connect you together, such as
being able to share your most intimate secrets or playing poker. The love will
remain pure, but you will enjoy your time together as well as apart.
3. As
women we tell too much of our personal, intimate, private business to other
women. We talk about the size and shape of our mate’s penis, how often we have
sex, every minute detail of our conversations with our lovers, and how much we
hate our bodies within a few days of meeting. I know that as a psychologist,
female brains are biologically wired to share secrets and gossip, but in order
for us to compete in the business arena, we need to learn to separate our
personal lives from our professional lives. Maintaining an emotional distance
from others will allow us to get along as acquaintances and business associates
much better. I can’t count the times that I should have not exposed my
underbelly when trying to fit in or upon meeting a new acquaintance.
4. Loyalty,
honesty, trust and favor take time to develop in any relationship and
friendship is no exception to the rule. Don’t make the mistake of
expecting too much too soon from a friendship. A shared interest in yoga, book
club or salsa dancing does not mean that this person should be trusted with a
key to your home or know the intimate details of your new romance. When you
share personal information with the wrong person, you are giving them
ammunition to make achieving your goals more difficult.
5. Be
aware of the fact that the interests that make you and your friends—“friends”--
also has the potential to make you and your friend mortal enemies. Friends
typically find the same type of guy attractive, enjoy the same taste in clothes
and have similar career interests or capabilities. Say for example, you and
your friend meet the same great guy at the same time, but he chooses your
friend over you. They marry, have babies and live happily ever after in la la
land. Can you truly be happy for her? If you are truly happy with your life and
who you are, you could be happy for your friend; otherwise you may experience
feelings of jealousy and insecurity. If you and your friend both apply for
graduate school and your friend is accepted and you are rejected, this will
have an impact on your friendship.
6. Friends
sometimes unintentionally sabotage your success. Some people believe that if
you want to lose weight and develop an exercise routine, it is best to buddy
with a friend. I personally think that this is huge mistake. If you begin to
lose weight and your friend is not losing weight, she may begin to discourage
you from exercising by suggesting other activities. If your friend is not doing
well in school, they may use creative ways to distract you from studying.
Unfortunately, if your friend is having problems maintaining or attracting a
loving relationship, she may do and say negative things to undermine your
relationship with your mate.
7. Friends
can be uncomfortable in the friendship when roles change; if you evolve from
being the ugly, dumb or fat friend your friend may feel awkward. If your friend
has always been the one who attracts male attention and all of sudden you
become the “pretty one” trust me, this change will have an impact on the
friendship. If the friendship is true your friend will adjust and your bond
will grow even stronger.
8. Be
aware of friends who are envious or jealous of your ambition and success. I
have found that most people are not consciously aware of their insecurities or
motives to destroy you and ultimately the friendship. But remember on your road
to success, you will be unintentionally leaving people behind. As you grow and
evolve many people will become insecure with the ties that bind their
relationship to you. Your friends do not know their role or where they fit into
your new life and in many cases this insecurity will cause them to do and say
things that will hurt you, in a twisted effort to save the friendship.
9. Don’t
be afraid to cut friends and family members loose who cannot accept and respect
the person that you have now blossomed into. You will find friends from your
past who will only want to talk about the good ‘ole days, when you were drunk,
broke, broken-hearted and down and out. You will know them because they will
frequently say, ‘remember when…’ No matter how much it hurts you must cut
people out of your life that refuses to see not just the old you, but the new
you. I had an ex-best friend say to me, “Sandy, who do you think you are? You
are just a poor black girl from Detroit, with a GED, who thinks she’s somebody.
I can’t wait for you to see that you are nobody special and know your place in
life.”
10. Your friends, buddies, the
people you hang out with or whatever you would like to call them—are the truest
reflection of who you are and what you think about yourself. If you surround
yourself with people who are untrustworthy this is because you feel you deserve
their friendship. You don’t choose your family, but you sure as hell select
your friends. Most importantly take a deep, soulful look at yourself. Would you
want yourself as a friend? Do you tell secrets that your friends ask you not to
tell? Do you flirt with your friend’s husbands or boyfriends? Deep down inside
are you jealous of your friend’s success or happiness? You must be a true
friend to have a true friend. Know yourself. If you aren’t happy and confident
with who you are, you will find it very difficult to find true friendship.
11. An honest, loyal, true friend
is a person who is happy with themselves, confident and possesses extremely
high self-esteem. People who are living their dreams and being true to their
calling make the best friends.
12. Lastly, my brother General
George always say, (and I agree with him) people always reveal their knife
before they stab you in the back with it. Listen and pay close attention to
what your friends say and do. If she is betraying another friend, this is an
indicator that she will also betray you. It is very rare that we are surprised
at someone’s behavior.
13. Sometimes the universe, life,
or God, (whatever concept that resonates with your spirit) will isolate you
from other people in order to allow you to focus on your life’s purpose. What
may be perceived as jealousy or disagreements are really “spiritual events”
that are used to remove social and emotional distractions from your life. In
the purest and deepest spiritual sense, it is no one’s fault when relationships
dissolve. Your friend can no longer accompany you on your journey to success.
They are not destined to go where you are going, but it doesn’t mean that they
were never meant to be a part of your life and who you ultimately become as a
person. Always remain positive and wish them well.
Remember…
Success and Beauty is an Attitude!
By Cassandra
George Sturges, Psy. D MA, MA.
